Tarigan
In which Tolly and Haz clear the air.
Tolly seems to have accepted something he’s been fighting shy of for about a book and half. Things will hopefully go smoother when he’s not constantly trying to persuade Haz not to watch his back.
Haz seems to have accepted something she’s been struggling with, too, although perhaps it’s just that she’s become more comfortable talking about it. (Even then, that she finds in Tolly someone she’s comfortable talking about it with is promising.)
This section has one of the most poignant moments of the whole (recent part) of the series for me.
First, Tolly tries to explain to Haz that the reason Disian is fond of him is: I’m her father Haz. It’s only natural to be fond of your dad, even when you know he’s not quite as good a man as he oughta be.
Then Haz tells him: There has been, in my life, one other person I trusted so much. Trusted even after I understood that my survival was not…often factored into the calculation for mission success. She seems to be merely correlating a previous experience with what Tolly is explaining; however, then she continues: It is natural to be fond of your father—the one who saw to it that you had the training you needed to survive.
So apparently, she considers her Senior, Gernchik Explorer—who she attempted to save by surrendering to Korval—to be her father. Or perhaps he really *is* her father? Or are all Yxtrang vat-grown? In any case, no wonder she has had difficulty coming to terms with her failure. Hopefully now that she has finally been able to verbalize his importance to her, she will begin to heal instead of merely being in denial.
@Haz
Oh, I don’t think she has been merely in denial. Allowing live to go on and participating in it – no matter if one finds reason in it or not – is a first step of grieving. And how long is it that her “father” died? Not that long ago – less than 2 years. She is already firmly on the road of healing – but your right – speaking of Gernchik Explorer is a big step forward. As well as loving Tolly is – or appreciating the care of her captain.
Also – the asking oneself of having done all one could – that doesn’t stop. It merely gets less frequent and less intensive. Just a thread among a howl weaving – instead of the only thing one sees.
Othin: asking oneself of having done all one could – that doesn’t stop.
*sigh* How true. I know from experience, myself.